Friday, October 28, 2011

How to Make Sense of Something that Makes No Sense

It isn’t my way to write about things too close to home or too personal. Sure, I share about the family and the day to day goings on. Sometimes I am a bit dramatic or sarcastic depending but usually not overly serious.

It just isn’t to be today.

We, that is My Beloved I, have been struggling a bit. Some weeks ago a co-worker of Beloved’s took his own life. It is a bit of an understatement to say it came as a complete shock. So much so that one person even called the local Sheriff’s office to confirm – it was just that unbelievable.

I cannot say as I was intimately acquainted with this family. We’ve met over Christmas parties and zoo outings. Beloved spoke often to and knew this co-worker well. He’d been there before Beloved and they’ve always shared the same locker room and lunchroom. He was an excellent worker, in the words of my ‘Dree (short for Husbandree).

When I heard I instantly thought of who was left behind, his wife and their 4 children. All faces that came to mind right then and there. I saw them as if they were in my living room. My heart aches. I hurt and I cannot imagine and I struggle to make sense. I wonder what in the world? And how can we help? Can we reach out to this aching, devastated family and walk life with them? Can we love on them and let them be real?

So many emotions, thoughts and feelings. So many.

My Beloved will still say he cannot wrap his mind around what happened. It is one of those situations where you have to tell your mind and heart that short of heaven it will never make sense. You’ll never know and you’ll always wonder. There is no closure. It just hurts.

The Lord is using it to speak to each of us, to draw us closer to one another and to Him. He is using it to renew the way my mind thinks of life, the way I take for granted that I have many days on this earth. How I misuse and mistreat what time I have been given. How I am not purposeful and deliberate but careless.

It isn’t morbid thinking for I am not dwelling on thoughts of death but rather of life and living this one life well. Living full and loving much and not ending each day with so many regrets over words spoken harshly and rashly. Anger that overwhelmed what could have been done in love. The Lord has gotten my attention, opened my eyes and my heart and I am seeing my need and my weaknesses and areas that need cleaning up and handing over. I am thankful He never choses to leave us as we are but always, in love, is pushing us to wear the robe of righteousness, of Christ.

I wish it hadn’t taken this situation to knock me off my feet and really open my eyes.

Would you pray with me for this family? Would you lift them up? Would you also pray for real heart change for me too – that it wouldn’t just be words? So appreciated. Thank you.


Margie said...

So sorry for your loss! Know that I am thinking of you and this family and are all in my prayers.

Christine said...

I am so sorry, Jess. I will lift them up, and your family as well. Love you!

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